So the WRFA challenge this month has to do with cruises. Specifically, Logan and Marie going on a cruise. The idea struck me as so patently absurd that, yes, I couldn't resist. But because I can't even fathom circumstances under which Logan would agree to such a trip, I ignored that and, as per usual, went for broad comedy.
So, yeah. It's too ridiculous to bother turning it into an actual fic. Also, I should point out that this is 60% Lulu's fault, and 40% Philateley's. For once, Em's only culpability is in saying "write me fic" without further specific instructions. Heehee.
***
"Marie?"
"Yes, Logan?"
"How many goddamned people are getting on this boat?"
"It's a ship."
"Marie."
"Well, it is. A boat is, I don't know, smaller, I guess? And I think there are maybe... 1,500 people?"
"What!?"
"Oh, there's the line. C'mon."
"Line? We have to stand in line behind 1,500 people?"
"No. Maybe a thousand or so."
"Marie."
"It's just for customs, Logan. We stand in this line here, and once we're through customs, we board the ship in groups."
"Whaddya mean groups? Why the hell can't we just walk onto the boat?"
"Because we board in groups. And, erm..."
"What?"
"They take pictures for--"
"Oh, for Christ's sake, Marie!"
"It's for your sign-and-sail card."
"For my what?"
"Sign-and-sail card. Instead of cash you pay with the card."
"Why the hell did I agree to this?"
"Green bikini."
"Right. Can't we just fly to Tahiti? You can wear your bikini there."
"Logan..."
"Fine."
"Thank you. C'mon. Our group's over there."
***
"Welcome aboard Carnival Funships! We're--"
"What the hell is that?"
"Logan!"
"It's a lei, sir."
"What do you intend to do with it?"
"Logan, be nice."
"I am being nice. I didn't tear the stupid thing to shreds, did I?"
"Sir, it's simply a way of welcoming you to the islands."
"This isn't an island."
"I know, sir. But soon we'll be--"
"This is Tampa. And this boat is big, but it ain't that big."
"Logan, just take the damn lei and let's go."
"I don't want the lei."
"Maybe your wife would like a lei, sir."
"We're not married."
"Oh. I'm sorry--"
"Do you want a damn lei, Marie, or not?"
"Is the rest of this vacation going to be as much fun as today?"
"No need to get sassy with me, Marie."
"I thought you liked it when I sassed you."
"Marie."
"Spoilsport. Yes, thank you, I'd very much like to get leid."
***
"Well, it's very..."
"Purple."
"Yes."
"The atrium is purple. Shiny and purple. Six floors of shiny purple walls. Did they build this ship in hell?"
"I swear, Logan, it didn't look like this in the brochure."
"What a surprise."
"It's not that bad, Logan."
"We're stuck for a week on a purple boat."
"It's... well, okay, it's hideous, but we're going to be outside. In our, ya know, bathing suits."
"This is ridiculous, Marie."
"Oh, c'mon, Logan. It's a boat!"
"I thought you said it was a ship."
"Who cares? It's going to be sunshine and bikinis and alcoholic beverages. What's not to like?"
"The ship."
"I'm sure the cabins aren't purple."
"Oh, shit."
"I'm sure they're not."
"I swear to God, Marie, I'm not sleeping in a purple room."
***
"See, Logan? It's not purple."
"It's peach."
"And... orange, yeah."
"You know, sometimes I wish my heightened senses would take a day off."
"We won't be in the room very much."
"Good, because I think this room is more nauseating than my motion sickness."
"Did I mention it's all you can eat? For a week? Here, read this. I'll be right out."
"Marie."
"What?"
"What's that?"
"I have no idea, seeing as how I'm in the bathroom right now. What is it?"
"It's a no smoking sign. This fucking boat is non-smoking?"
"I'm sure you can smoke on the deck."
"Has this boat left the dock yet? Because--"
"Hi."
"Hi."
"You like?"
"The green bikini."
"In the flesh."
"Wow."
"So you like?"
"Yeah."
"Good. Then shut up about the boat and get your ass over here. It's your turn to get leid."
THE END